Opinion: How To Bring Bush To Justice
By Lee Camp
Bringing Bush & Company to justice the traditional way has not worked. Congress won't impeach him, and even with low level people like Scooter Libby, the trials take years if they ever even come to a conclusion. It's like throwing shit at a dry erase board – nothing sticks. (By the way, I'm pretty sure that's how Bush planned the Iraq War.)
My point is we need to find new ways to bring the Bush Crime Family to justice. Luckily for our country, I have some ideas. Step one is getting the evidence and proving the crime. In Canton, Ohio recently cops caught a jewelry thief whom they were pretty sure had stolen and swallowed a diamond ring. So what did they do? They put him in a jail cell and waited for nature to take its course. Sure enough, it worked. The ring came out, price tag still attached. You've heard of blood diamonds, but this is completely different.
The great police work of the Canton PD gave me an idea. I think we should do the same with Bush, Cheney, and Rove. Let's hold them in prison for a few days and wait to see what …um …comes out. Here's a brief, though not exhaustive, list of what would likely present itself in their chamber pots:
- The lost e-mails about the Justice Department firings
- 60,000 Ohio votes for John Kerry
- 100,000 Florida votes for Al Gore
- Habeas Corpus
- A direct order from Bush to begin stacking Iraqi detainees in "funny naked pyramids… I got the idea from my cheerleading days"
- Freedom of Speech
- Love letters to Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia
- Joe Lieberman
Step two: the punishment. I recently read an article about an African man who was caught being "excessively amorous with a goat." (We've all been there.) His town in Africa decided the proper punishment was to force the man to wed the goat.
This punishment would work perfectly for Bush and Friends. We would force them to join in holy matrimony with everything they've become a bit too amorous with. Here's the list (again not comprehensive):
- Bush would have to marry an oil tanker. My personal choice for him would be the Chevron tanker that was once named the "Condoleeza Rice." I imagine he'd make the same choice.
- Cheney would have to marry an oil tanker. I must say it's kinda kinky that they both have fallen in love with the same thing. Do I hear love triangle??
- Rove would have to marry a ham sandwich. He's welcome to name it the "Condoleeza Rice"
- Bush would have to marry Joe Lieberman
- Condoleeza would have to marry whomever currently has their hand up her ass because we all know she's a puppet
- Rove would also have to marry Satan, assuming that ceremony hasn't already taken place
What do you think?? Tell us your views here!
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