Issue 86, 27th June 2007 
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Upon Return, Jesus Taken For Pussy Liberal
By Lee Camp

MACON, GA – Jesus Christ made his grand return Friday but apparently has been taken for a "pussy commie liberal" by most of the townspeople he's encountered.

Jesus told reporters that all weekend he wandered around town trying to help those in need of salvation however he was told by countless citizens to "cut [his] f**kin' hair," or "put on some real man's clothes." He was reportedly called everything from a "pinko latte-sipping liberal peace-freak" to a "queer ball-less God-hating elitist fairy."

When Jesus told one man that the man's Hummer was not good for the environment and contributing to war waged for oil, the man accused him of being a troop-hating terrorist. Mary Spurns, 43, claimed Jesus was an illegal immigrant who was trying to take her job. Even though the Lord's child said he had no interest in Spurns' position as a cashier at the Fashion Bug, the woman still alerted the authorities who soon learned Christ had no identification cards and was therefore in the country illegally.

If Jesus does not reveal his country of origin in the coming days, authorities have said he will likely be shipped to Guantanamo Bay with no right to council or habeas corpus. He will be tortured extensively and then shipped to Egypt for more creative forms of torture. Before a black bag was placed over his head, Jesus said, "I kind of wish I had come back in a different country or perhaps a few years in the future. This was a poor choice."

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