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Death Delayed When Executioner Accidentally Flips On Ceiling Fan Instead
By Lee Camp
HOUSTON, TX – The scheduled electrocution of convicted murderer Jack Merkelle, 33, was delayed for three minutes Monday when executioner Phillip Vanness mistakenly flipped on the room's ceiling fan instead of the electricity. The accident caused a moment of chaos in the execution chambers as well as the with audience there to witness the death. After Vanness slowly and intensely counted down, hit the switch, and the ceiling fan began to rotate, Merkelle shat himself, three audience members screamed and shat themselves, the mayor and priest grumbled and shat themselves, and Vanness smacked his hand against his forehead and of course shat himself.
Vanness then called out, "Sorry, wrong switch. They look similar. It's hard to tell. My bad though, my bad." The 53 year-old murderer of convicts then turned the fan off and flipped the correct switch, sending thousands of volts through Mr. Merkelle. Unfortunately, Vanness had not warned the onlookers that he was going to remedy his error so soon. Therefore, when Merkelle's eyes popped out the audience again shrieked and shat themselves. Vanness said later, "It wasn't one of my better performances. I admit it. But it was still heads and tails above the time I accidentally hit the knob for the radio instead of the lethal injection and 'Love Shack' began pulsing through the room."
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