New Species of Marsupial Discovered, Wiped Out
By Lee Camp
JUNO, ALASKA – A never-before-seen species of marsupial was discovered in Alaska, of all places.
What is being called the polar wombat was found by hunters several miles outside the Alaskan capital; the adorable and majestic animal was then quickly wiped out by oil pipeline workers.
One of the workers who asked to be referred to as only Chris Allen said, "Well, whenever we find a new type of animal, especially a cute one, it's important that we introduce them to extinction quickly because otherwise douche bag environmentalists will run up here and scream that we need to leave the area."
Excon Mobil, the company that the workers are employed by, said they agreed with the quick and painless extinction of the new (and now former) polar wombat.
A spokesperson said, "Listen, chances are that creature would die a slow death over hundreds of year due to climate change and pollution. We view it as a merciful assisted suicide. Thank God we were here to help those poor mammals along on its path to the heavens. Besides there were only about 100,000 of them left …It was majestic though. You should've seen it."
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