Issue 84, 25th May 2007 
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Amnesty International Report Highlights Worsening Conditions For Paris Hilton
By Alan Lord

Brussels - Amnesty International, the renowned human rights group, has slammed the actions of the Los Angeles County judicial system, stating that making Paris Hilton suffer through a jail term "Constitutes a blatant violation of celebrity human rights". The report calls on Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon her pre-emptively, "before the junkies and crack ho's get a chance to tear her hair out and bang her head against the prison?s concrete walls."

County officials stressed that Paris Hilton will be equipped with protection when she enters jail. The hotel heiress will be provided a panic button to alert jail guards if she feels threatened by her fellow prison inmates, "or has a sudden urge for Twinkies in the middle of the night.?

The county jail's spokesman Brunhilde Hackenstürmer stated Paris Hilton would "be treated like any other hotel heiress who's comeuppance is finally at hand."

"Paris should be able to bring her Chihuahua to jail," stated Gossip Columnist Chatty Kathy. "She needs Tinkerbell to protect her from the others. Dogs are a good deterrent."

"Hilton has made it clear she is terrified about going to jail - she has been receiving threats from eager knuckle-cracking inmates on her MySpace page," concluded the Amnesty International Report, "and let it be on everyone's conscience if Paris ever returns to her cold Martha Stewart bunkbed and discovers Tinkerbell's severed head on her pink frilly Oscar de la Renta pillow."

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