Issue 83, 9th May 2007

French Election Loser Makes World's Most Victorious Defeat Speech
By Lolo Laroche

Many thought that if the Socialist party lost the French presidential elections, their leader Segolene Royal might step out of the limelight.
Analysts explained that managing to lose the election, despite the desire of so many for France to have its first female president and despite the fact that her opponent - right-winger Nicolas Sarkozy - is so universally hated would be enough to cause Royal to question her abilities and, finally putting the party first, step aside.
But such a prognostic would have been to ignore Segolene Royal's powerful driven self-confidence.
Instead of apologising to her party for the defeat, Royal made a victorious speech mere minutes after the election results had been announced.
“La France,” she beamed. “I am with you, for ever. You are not alone. I promise that I will be with you for all your future defeats. In this election I have created rarely seen levels of confusion about what our party stands for, and I am here to tell you that that confusion will not go away until I go away, and I want to tell you not to worry - I ain't going nowhere.”
“Together we can go into the next elections, and I guarantee that, again, no-one will have the faintest idea what we stand for. Whether it be tax policy, gay marriage or nuclear power, only I can ensure such complete bewilderment. Only I can ensure another crushing victory for Sarkozy.”
“I am here, with you today, and I want you to know that you can count on me for the left to remain unelectable as long as I live.”
Meanwhile some have suggested that Segolene Royal simply lost the election because of her grating nasal voice. “I had to turn the sound down after five minutes of Royal,” a Sarkozy voter told BIGfib. “Five years was starting to sound like a real long time.”



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