Issue 83, 9th May 2007

France's New Sarkozy To Fight Global Warming and Push For 135-Hour Work Week
Paris - Flush with his victory, new French President Nicolas Sarkozy - or 'Sarko' as he's “fondly” called by fellow Frenchmen, assured US President Bush that henceforth France would be a friend to the US. He went on however, to urge Bush to be a leader in the fight against global warming. ...>>>

French Election Loser Makes Surprise Victorious Defeat Speech
Many thought that if the Socialist party lost the French presidential elections, it's leader, Segolene Royal might step out of the limelight.
Analysts explained that managing to lose the election, despite the desire of so many for France to have its first female president and despite the fact that her opponent - right-winger Nicolas Sarkozy - is so universally hated would be enough to cause Royal to question her abilities and, finally putting the party first, step aside...>>>

Science: Why New Planet Might Not Save Us
Scientists were swooning with excitement over the discovery of a new, Earth-like planet - Gleise 581c - which is "only" 20.5 light years away.
“This Earth is gonna be done, soon,” CNN's Tapola Ravira enthused. “And new planets like Gleise might just be our only option for survival.”
BIGfib thought we would do some math and see how soon we can get to it...>>>

Woman Eating Mango Fears Possible Violation Of Patriot Act
HAVRE de GRACE, MD - Fifty-two year-old Bingo caller Erika Spreken partook in a mango for the first time she can remember Monday. Although she says the flavorful fruit was delicious, she did not enjoy the experience because she couldn't shake the possibility she was violating the U.S. Patriot Act. Spreken stated, "I know that a lot of foreign things are illegal now...>>>

Dermatologist Recommends Patient Install Dimmer Lights
AUGUSTA, ME - Dr. Matthew Berry, 58, prescribed dimmer lights for Taylor Murphy, 22, when Murphy saw the dermatologist Monday. The young man was hoping the doctor might have some treatment options for his severe acne, but the doctor merely said, "Dimmer lights," and handed Murphy some trial-size 40 watt bulbs for his apartment...>>>

Rapper Puts Asinine, Trite, Faux-Poignant Lyrics To Fresh, New Beat
HAVRE de GRACE, MD - Fifty-two year-old Bingo caller Erika Spreken partook in a mango for the first time she can remember Monday. Although she says the flavorful fruit was delicious, she did not enjoy the experience because she couldn't shake the possibility she was violating the U.S. Patriot Act. Spreken stated, "I know that a lot of foreign things are illegal now...>>>

Squirrel Unable To Water Ski
PARKSVILLE, AZ - Area squirrel Argus Wingdale III has been unable to water ski since his birth nearly two years ago. While most other squirrels in his community have become celebrities in local news reports, Wingdale lives a lonely solitary life due to his lack of talent. Doctors have anguished over the source of Wingdale's problem but have found little. The best working hypothesis so far is that the small woodland creature was simply born with the defect, a complete inability to partake in any water sports...>>>

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