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Pro Weightlifter Retires After Discovering Pulley System
By Lee Camp
LONDON – Professional weightlifter Kamran Panjavi declared his retirement last week after he says he discovered pulleys that can lift the same objects he does, yet with must less effort. He said, "I just thought to myself, 'What's the point? I'm obsolete.' I'm surprised all weightlifters haven't quit. Using the new pulley system I patented, if someone needs a car flipped over, they can even have my pussy little brother do it. I can't believe that there was a simple scientific solution all along. All that time I wasted training."
Panjavi also said that he used to feel needed. If someone required a giant tractor tire thrown 20 yards, there were only a few people on the planet who could get it done. However, now everyone can do it themselves with pulleys. He finished, "Who needs a grotesquely large hormonal freak throwing that 312 kg in the air, when a hot girl in a thong bikini can do it with the push of a button?"
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