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Other 7 Planets Quietly Shuffling Away From Earth
By Lee Camp
ORLANDO, FL – New data from NASA scientists show conclusively that Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and even Neptune have begun timidly scooching away from Earth. Planetary specialists believe it's due to either fear of what might happen if global warming increases or fear of impending nuclear annihilation. William Arliss, a spokesman for NASA, said, "Either way, it's clear the other planets don't want to catch whatever Earth has come down with. We think this all started around the time the Mars Rovers landed. We believe the other planets saw them as the first germs to make the leap to another planet. It's quite possible Mars then told the others it has felt itchy and lethargic for the past year."
Despite the hesitant shuffle towards the door by the other seven planets, Pluto has not joined them. Pluto was recently downgraded from "planet" to "oversized space junk." Scientists theorize that Pluto did not get the memo about the quiet get away and is being left to fend for itself. Calls to all eight orbiting bodies have not been returned. However, Venus put out a statement saying, "What do you want from us? Earth has been looking sickly since the Reagan Administration. We thought you would keep your nasty to yourself, but then you surprised us all by sneezing little spacecraft everywhere. I mean, we're friends and all, but I'm not looking to shit out my lungs or nothin'. Anyway, I'll see ya later. You'll be fine, I'm sure. You look good. No really. But, uh, dude… wipe your nose… seriously, that's foul."
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