Issue 80, 2nd April 2007 
 WORLD NEWS
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Global Warming Thwarted By Thinner Coats
By Lee Camp

EARTH – It appears that despite all the worry and debate, global warming has once and for all been defeated by the use of thinner jackets. Millions have feared the coming planet-wide disasters that global warming could set in motion, but now it seems the issue is moot thanks to the discovery of thinner coats by Dr. Tanner Lewis of St. Louis, MO. The doctor says the jackets can be worn whenever global warming causes winter-time temperatures to soar. In a press release Dr. Lewis said, "For example, in the month of January in Chicago, it should be between 10 and 20 degrees Fahrenheit. Should global warming cause the temperature to be 55 degrees, then people can simply wear one of my new patented thinner coats for men and women. They will then be quite comfortable."

Following the discovery, the Kyoto Protocol has been cancelled, and people around the globe have been told to pollute all they want. President Bush said Tuesday, "We can claim mission accomplished in the battle against global warming. Everyone who purchases the thinner jacket should feel free to drive giant gas-guzzling vehicles and befoul the planet as they see fit. I myself pissed in a nearby stream this morning."  


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