Issue 80, 2nd April 2007

Insurgents Hire Halliburton Mercenaries To Battle U.S. Mercenaries
IRAQ – Halliburton is reported to have been awarded a no-bid contract by Iraqi insurgents to work as mercenaries, or hired troops, battling the U.S. invasion. It appears that most of the Halliburton units' fighting will be against Blackwater mercenaries hired by the U.S. government. Essentially, the war in Iraq will now be waged by proxy.... >>>

50%+ of French Voters Still Undecided.
Recent opinion polls give Nicolas Sarkozy, the French right wing candidate a 2 to 5% lead in the coming French elections, however the majority of the population say they could still change their minds about who to vote for.
Analysts from the political parties are out combing the streets in an attempt to find out just why so many voters are still so undecided, and are constantly modifying their strategies in an attempt to change voters minds. But, as our own BIGfib investigation reveals, it may be those very attempts  to match policy to the public desire which is causing the problem.....>>>

Brilliant Technology Used Only To Play 'Fergalicious'
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Since its purchase in January of this year, the technology inside Michael Medley's iPod has been used exclusively to play the song "Fergalicious" by the "singer" Fergie. The science and technical components involved in an iPod took billions of dollars and hundreds of thousands of man hours to produce. The result is the smallest, most efficient music and video player ever seen. Yet, Medley has used that groundbreaking technology for nothing other than "Fergalicious.".... >>>

Global Warming Thwarted By Thinner Coats
EARTH – It appears that despite all the worry and debate, global warming has once and for all been defeated by the use of thinner jackets. Millions have feared the coming planet-wide disasters that global warming could set in motion, but now it seems the issue is moot thanks to the discovery of thinner coats by Dr. Tanner Lewis of St. Louis, MO. The doctor says the jackets can be worn whenever global warming causes winter-time temperatures to soar......>>>

Area Man Elated To Run Into Actor He Doesn't Respect
MOLALLA, OR – Area carpet-maker Hal Newburgh, 43, was ecstatic Tuesday when he spotted Peter Gallagher who played Sandy Cohen on "The O.C." at a local gas station. Newburgh, who had never actually watched a full episode of "The O.C." stated that he got very nervous when he saw Gallagher buying a donut. Newburgh said, "I just kept thinking, 'Is it him? It's gotta be him. Could it really be him? That guy from that show is right here in Molalla?' You know, I watched 15 minutes of that show once.... >>>

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