Issue 79, 16th March 2007

9/11 Mastermind Confesses To Everything
By Alan Lord

WASHINGTON (AP) - Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the suspected mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks, confessed to that attack and much much more.

"I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z," Mohammed said in a statement read during the session. He confessed to the beheading of Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, which was long thought to have been the handiwork of wacky pal Zarqawi. He also confessed to the 1993 World Trade Center truck bombing. And also the killing of Lady Di. And by proxy, Anna Nicole Smith too. AND her son. He's also claiming to be the real father to Dannilynn as well.

?O.J. Simpson is totally innocent!? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed protested idignantly, adding that the poor guy was being unfairly deprived of much-needed income over the canceling of his fiction novel ?If I Did It?.

He also made it clear that a whole production run of ?Richard Reid? shoes was being planned with Jimmy Choo, but that had to be scuttled in the wake of the failed plane-bombing operation.

According to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, it turns out that each one of the drunken slobs playing the game of ?Name the next Al Qaeda target? in bars across the world after 9/11 was indeed right: Mo was plotting to blow up the Empire State Building, The Golden Gate Bridge, The Statue of Liberty, Big Ben, the Pyramids of Egypt, even that siren thingy in Copenhagen. And if that were not enough, Al Qaeda was to give the Leaning Tower of Pisa that one, final, mortal shove.

One can only shudder at all the mayhem and destruction Khalid Sheikh Mohammed may have yet accomplished, were it not for his present incarceration. Thank God for Guantanamo!



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