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COMMENT |
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BIGfib BOOKS |
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Lee Camp - Chinchillas Of Mass Destruction
I don't think I want to have kids any time soon but if I do, I realize picking a name is a very important thing. I mean, this is the beginning of someone's life we're talking about. You can't blow this decision. So here's my list of possible baby names: Tiny Tot, Rummy, Marshmallow, Darwin, Hunters Trophy, Absinthe, Chipmunk, Chinchilla, Platypus, Gerbil, Mad, Calamity, or Climax. I know, a little unorthodox, but they're great names. …Oh, wait. I confused lists. That's the list of names given to nuclear bombs tested by the US in the past few decades. My fault. Well, most of them still apply.
Really, though. That's what they're naming nuclear bombs! Is anybody else concerned they're not taking this sh*t seriously? Chinchilla?! They named one Darwin for Christ Sake! Darwin! They view nuclear war as survival of the fittest. I got news for you – a giant bomb is not natural selection at all. How this happened, I'm sure, was a general said, "How long would it take this evolution thing to weed out the Arabs? …Evolution takes millions of years?! Oh come on, I could take care of it in fifteen minutes! Just give me a red button. It IS natural selection. You'll SELECT which country we decimate… NATURALLY. It's evolution. We're helping them evolve into a country with less of them."
And which is worse – Chinchilla or Climax? Would you rather picture these powerful men treating nuclear technology as a funny furry pet that they're goofing around with or an orgasm?
I think naming a bomb "climax" explains a lot actually. All you have to do to understand why the world is always at war is to realize that for the powerful men in any country, war is like masturbation. It's the grand masturbation. It's jacking off on a scale that the average man can't even imagine. So large that cities are destroyed and people die!
That's what it is. And that's why powerful countries can hold off for awhile, sometimes even years, but then one day they can't hold it in anymore and they just let it rip! Look at Israel, held off for a few years. The Rabbis said to avoid whacking it, so the politicians agreed for awhile. But then one day they couldn't take it anymore and SPLAT! – all over Lebanon.
North Korea is like the adolescent just learning how it works right now. Just learned how to "fire their missiles" so to speak. They shot off a couple when no one was watching and it felt pretty good. So now they've announced "We're gonna do this a lot more with a lot bigger loads." And the US is Dad saying, "No, you really shouldn't do that. It's not right." And North Korea responded, "But you do it ALL the time. I've seen you! You do it more than anyone. And you don't even clean up the mess afterward!" Then Dad said, "You're right! Go ahead! It feels pretty good, doesn't it?"
So it's no surprise they named a bomb Climax.
What do you think?? Tell us your views here!
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