Issue 76, 1st Feb 2007

French Presidential Candidate Accuses Opponent Of Secret Service Antics
French Socialist presidential candidate, Segolene Royale today accused her main opponent, Nicolas Sarkozy of using his position as interior minister to manipulate the country's secret services to political ends...>>>

New Sound-Proof Hummer Dampens Noise Of Wailing Environmentalists
Hummer has finally revealed their new model which is designed to nearly eliminate the noise of screaming environmentalists outside the vehicle. Hummer came up with the sound-proof idea after countless Hummer owners complained they were hearing a lot of fuck you's yelled at their vehicle....>>>

Iraq To Be Separated Into 26,783,383 Smaller Countries
President Bush laid out his new path for Iraq today. He said it entails breaking Iraq into 26,783,383 smaller countries, which works out to one country for each man, woman and child living there today (though that number is steadily decreasing thanks to explosions). Bush said each person will have their own government and share of the natural resources. >>>

New Element On Periodic Table Way Off The Charts
Moscow - Russian scientists fearing to be next to get whacked on the Czar's list, lost no time in adding a brand new element - Putinium 310 - to the periodic table...>>>

Apple Introduces iPacifier
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) ? Steve Job?s Apple Computer Inc. unveiled an eagerly-anticipated iPacifier mobile phone iTune-download thingy with a touch-screen whatzit on Tuesday, pushing the company's shares up as much as 8.5 percent... >>>

Martin Luther King Day Celebrated By Blacks And Whites, Separately

Last week Martin Luther King Jr. Day was celebrated across the country by both Black and White people in separate locations.

Calls of "Happy MLK Day!" could be heard in coffee shops and workplaces, both Black and White.

Brad McAuliffe, an African American man from Eugene, Oregon, said, "Yeah, my friends and I had a blast. I suppose, however, that at some point in the future, America should try to celebrate MLK's legacy together. I think that's what he would've wanted. I would've invited White people over if I was friends with any, but White people are always wearing lame-ass clothes and stuff. …Well, my friend Andy celebrated with me, and he's a quarter Native American and dresses like an idiot. Does that count?"...>>>

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