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WORLD NEWS |
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BIGfib BOOKS |
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 The Redneck Guide To Air Travel
By Alan Lord
As soon as you board your flight, remember CFAA – Check For Any Arabs.
Spot where they’re sitting, and make a mental note. Spot where the other ones are, how far they are from each other, and how soon they could join up once the signal is given. Check for any Arab fooling around with his shoes – remember, they always try the same stunt over and over again until they obtain success. They’re not too smart, but they sure are persistent.
Not sure they’re Arab? Any suspicious brown skin color will do. You never know. But skip the African-Americans. They’s cool, bro.
Don’t worry if you didn’t spot all of them. Right after the flight attendants have pointed out all the emergency exit doors with mechanically outstretched arms, they’ll then point out each Arab individually for you. Don’t get up and crane your neck for a better look – it’s not polite. Just relax and read your TerrorNews Week. If you can’t relax, then tap a pen on your knee nervously, instead of on the dinner tray. That way you won’t bug your fellow travellers – who, let’s not forget – are just as equally freaked out as you are. Remember not to panic until it’s time to panic.
When is it time to panic? It’s time to panic after takeoff, when the plane levels out and the Fasten Seatbelt light is turned off. If you can’t take the stress any longer, ask a flight attendant to make a request to the pilot ( that would be Captain Hassan Al Shoukry today ) to keep the Fasten Seatbelt light on for the duration of your flight.
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