USA Now World Leader (In Pie Eating)
By Lee Camp in New York
Professional eating is becoming a big sport here in the U.S. We took something that should be done for survival and we made it a sport, a game! "Let's see who can do it the most." It's supposed to be a matter of survival! So why don't we also have a competition to see who can take the most vaccines? Yeah, let's compete over who can be cured from the most diseases while other countries battle over access to basic medicine.
Let's see who can waste the most water too! Oh yeah, I forgot we already have wet tee-shirt contests. Close enough. What do you think third world countries would think if they could hear a redneck yelling, "Keep sprayin' her Earl! I can't quite see her nipples yet!!"
I can't get over the fact that eating is a sport. And we watch it! We enjoy it! My dad has a giant high definition television. You haven't lived until you've seen the fifty-first hot dog get slammed down Cookie Jarvis' chasm of a gullet! It looked like a pale-skinned crocodile swallowing a baby pig. It was nothing that someone cherishing their mental well-being should ever witness.
I love how each of these guys has their own record with their own obscure food. Shrimp champ, butter champ, waffle champ, etc. Basically, if you find a weird enough food, you could be a champ too. Skittles champ perhaps? Tapioca pudding champ? Sugar cookies shaped like the Notorious BIG champ?
If professional eating wants to be a legitimate sport, I don't think it can work this way. There should be about three foods they all compete with because otherwise each of these guys is playing the game with a different ball. It would be like if you said, "I'm the greatest tennis player of all time… but not with tennis balls. Only grapes. And nobody else plays with grapes. So I'm the grape tennis champ!"
You wouldn't even need to eat that much. I've decided I'm the pancakes-shaped-like-Hitler champ. I ate four over the course of two days. I was a little full afterwards but not bad.
The announcers during these "competitions" act like they're watching a combination of Muhammad Ali and the Hindenburg disaster at the same time. They're yelling, "That's amazing! Oh, the humanity! What a tremendous athlete. I think I'm going to puke everywhere! This is an awful, awful sight."
Of course they declare a winner at the end of each eating contest, but when a man swallows fifty hot dogs in twelve minutes and you watch it, no one wins. It's one revolting meal for man; one giant leap backwards for mankind.
And people claim gay marriage is unnatural and disgusting and not what God intended?! There is NOTHING God intended less than for twelve men and women to grab wads of cow brain and stuff it into their pie holes as fast as possible despite their bodies telling them that their stomachs are stretched to the breaking point. All done so that a "winner" can walk home with a small trophy. If the Lord intended that, then he is a sick, sick man who needs to make sure his apartment is better ventilated next time he decides to paint.
It's grossly unnatural and not what God intended, however I have yet to see an Evangelical declare that Crazy Legs Cianti (spaghetti eating champion of the world) will be struck down by the Almighty if he tries to break the long-standing cannoli record (43 in ten minutes).
