Issue 69, 29th June 2006

Republicans Introduce Bill To Stop Flag Burning & Encourage Fag Burning
WASHINGTON D.C. – Republicans in the senate Tuesday introduced two separate bills, one that would create a Constitutional amendment banning flag burning and one that would create an amendment encouraging fag burning. Senator Bill Frist (R-TN) had this to say, "We are not suggesting people must go out and burn gay people… They can also do other forms of torment such as beating, chasing, calling them fags, you know, whatever hits their fancy. The point is to hate as much as possible." This Constitutional amendment comes on the heals of a failed attempt to ban gay marriage last week >>>

Hamas Recognizes Israel’s Right To Kick Its Butt 24-7
Ramallah - Rival Palestinian political factions Fatah and Hamas have reached agreement on a common political strategy to implicitly recognise Israel – which is a major policy shift for both. Henceforth, Palestinians will admit they recognize that their butts may get kicked day and night by Israel, and this may constitute an ongoing peace process, but in no way does the acknowledgement of being on the receiving end actually constitute overt recognition. >>>

Britney Not Maternally-Challenged, Cmpa Report States
Los Angeles – Following a months-long in-depth investigation of both the household and public maternal practices of Britney Spears, The Celebrity Mom Protection Agency of Lower Hollywood Heights declares it has found no cause to worry about a supposed lack in celebrity parental skills. >>>

Limbaugh To Have 13 Year-Old Dominican Sex Worker Testify Viagra Belonged To Him
Right-wing talk radio host Rush Limbaugh, 55, was held Monday at Palm Beach International Airport after he returned from a vacation in the Dominican Republic with Viagra in his possession that was prescribed to someone else. If the drugs were meant for someone else, this could disrupt Limbaugh's plea deal involving previous drug charges. >>>

Israel Begins Bombing Palestinian Tents Due To Lack Of Larger Targets

JERUSALEM – Israel announced Wednesday they have begun bombing tents and dirt paths in Gaza and other Palestinian areas because they have run out of targets of any significant size or importance.

The spokesman for the Israeli Defense Force stated, "Over the past couple years, we've taken out all their electricity and power, their government and militia headquarters, their schools, their water facilities, etc. So now we have nothing to attack except a few tents and an occasional bridge made from sticks and twine." .>>>

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