Issue 59, 11th Jan 2006

CNN Releases Mathematical Equation Justifying Downfall Of Legitimate Journalism
NEW YORK – CNN and other U.S. news sources have come under fire for their recent 24-hour, non-stop, make-your-ears-bleed coverage of the mining "disaster" in West Virginia while stories such as the landslides in Indonesia went unmentioned.
In response CNN has revealed a mathematical equation which clearly shows that when it comes to television news, a US miner's life is worth no less than 100 Indonesian lives. This ratio can reach 1 to 1,000 if the miners in question left sentimental goodbye notes just before dying. >>>

Turkey Stockpiling Rubber Chickens
Ankara - Increasingly concerned with the spread of H5N1 infections across the country, Turkey has stepped up an awareness campaign to combat the bird flu outbreak.
This includes handing out free rubber chickens to children in small villages, in order to replace favourite pets often snuggled up to at bedtime. >>>

With Sharon Ill, Many Celebrate Death Of
Peace Process
TEL AVIV – Ariel Sharon, Prime Minister of Israel, suffered a severe stroke and brain haemorrhaging Tuesday. This caused widespread jubilation among many Israelis and Palestinians who are now anticipating an end to many months of impending peace. >>>

Head UN Peacekeeper Commits Suicide By Shooting Self 12 Times In The Back
PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI - The commander of U.N. peacekeepers in Haiti, 58-year-old Urano Matta Bacellar, was found dead on the balcony of his hotel room Saturday.
He apparently shot himself 12 times in the back with a gun that was found in a trashcan in the hotel lobby. >>>

Tom Delay Steps Down To Spend More Time With His Crime Family

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