BIGfib.com, The web's favourite satire: Issue 56, 1st Dec 2005

Issue 56, 1st Dec 2005

World News

Headline

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Paris Hilton Releases Own Line Of
Computer Viruses
Following the impressive success of several computer viruses touting nude photos of Paris Hilton, the hotel heiress announced Thursday that she would be releasing her own line of computer viruses titled "PARIS HILTON NAKED AND RAW!!!!">>>

FEMA Director Sends Nephew B-day Card
2 Weeks Too Late
WASHINGTON D.C. – Tuesday former FEMA director Michael Brown apparently sent a Happy Birthday card to his 8 year-old nephew, Timothy Statton, two weeks too late. According to witnesses the card read, "Oops! I forgot your birthday. Thank goodness you've got another one coming up next year. Happy Belated Birthday!" >>>

Bush Reveals His Iraq Exit Strategy
WASHINGTON -- President Bush said today he would settle for "nothing less than complete victory" in Iraq, and that it was a great challenge the US simply would have to face. He called on all Americans to prepare themselves for the long haul and muster the will to carry that extra burden alone. Especially because effective midnight on December 31st, George W. Bush will be stepping down from The Presidency.>>>

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UK To Raise Retirement Age To 107
LONDON—Britain must raise its retirement to 107 by 2010 to meet the demands of a population that is living longer and having fewer children, a government commission reported yesterday.
"There are significant problems in our pensions system; there is a major demographic challenge," Lord Turner, the head of the commission, said at the release of the report.>>>

Intelligent Design Supporter Falls To Death While Mooning Friends From Rooftop
TOPEKA, KS – Theodore Hutton, a local professional mover and strong supporter of the theory of Intelligent Design, fell to his death Saturday while attempting to moon his friends from the rooftop of his two-story home. According to his family, Hutton and his friends had been on the rooftop drinking for several hours before two of the friends decided to leave. As they walked to their car, Hutton took down his pants, displayed his bare buttocks, and then yelled, "Who's the loser now?!" At that moment, he apparently lost his footing and fell backward off the roof to the ground, dying instantly. >>>

Tony Blair Launches Blistering Economy Drive In
UK Government

In the light of the increasingly difficult financial position of the UK government, Tony Blair followed the recent announcements of NHS budget cuts and disabled-persons benefit cuts with a blistering swathe of cuts to his own government.
Announcing the cuts, estimated at UK 900 billion or 6p in the pound off Income tax – the largest spending cut ever announced – Blair told parliament, “ever since the Iraq war, it has become increasingly obvious that the government in its largest sense has become an anachronism.”
“To start with I listened and convinced everyone my way was best, then I listened and just did what I wanted anyway. Nowadays, to be honest, I don’t even ask anyone what they think anymore.”

"in my sleep"

“When I realized that I had just decided to renew Britain’s nuclear deterrent and build a new generation of nuclear power stations in my sleep without so much as muttering the question to anyone in the government, I realized that it was time for the government to go.”
The cuts – to take place Monday, will see all MP’s and members of the House of Lords, joining the UK dole queue. It is thought unlikely that any of them can get proper jobs and unemployment will no doubt rise substantially as a result. >>>

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