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WORLD NEWS |
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After Hundreds Of Years Of Abuse, Earth Abandons Policy Of Appeasement Toward Humans
By Lee Camp
CORE, EARTH – A representative for the Earth announced Tuesday that the planet has indeed abandoned its policy, maintained for thousands of years, of appeasement toward humans. Following the tsunamis, Hurricanes Katrina & Rita, and now the devastating earthquake in Pakistan, many experts had already hypothesized that the earth was trying a new strategy.
Their guess was confirmed when Earth's representative made the recent announcement. She went on to say that Earth is tired of human pollution, deforestation, sucking its natural resources dry, and most of all, the bubble gum stuck all over the pavement.
Earth is quoted as saying, "I let ya'll get away with this sh** for long enough. You think I can't brawl?? You wanna get crazy?? Let's get crazy!! I will f*** your sh** up!! You ever seen a tornado and an earthquake at the same time? You ever seen a volcano in the middle of Nebraska? Well, you will now bitches!"
Earth expanded on what inspired her to change her tactics when she said, "I happened to read that famous quotation about Germany, you know, the one that goes, 'In Germany, when the Nazis came for the Communists, I didn't speak out because I’m not a Communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn't speak up because I’m not a Jew. Then they came for the Catholics, but I didn't speak up because I’m a Protestant. Finally, they came for me... But there was no one left to help me.' It made me really realize that ...as the Earth, ...I have to... well, you know, speak up. I mean, I'm not Jewish either, and... and when they cut down trees..."
"Well, ...I forget what my point was... but FUCKING VOLCANOES EVERYWHERE!! You hear me?!!"
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