Bumper Issue, July/August 2003  
 WORLD NEWS  HEADLINE
 MORE NEWS

“WMD hard to find, harder to say” – Bush.
President Bush today accounted for US troops’ continuing failure to locate alleged stockpiles of WMD in Iraq, attributing the lack of success to difficulties encountered by American soldiers in pronouncing the three letter acronym. >>>

Gays "Worse than animals" - Archbishop.
Following hot on the heals of the appointment and resignation of Britains first openly gay bishop comes the election of an openly gay bishop in New Hampshire USA. The issue is now threatening to crack into two the worldwide Anglican Communion, a global association of churches in 164 countries.>>>

Musgrave and Widdecombe abducted by aliens.
Police in Colorado last night confirmed that Anne Widdecombe the UK Tory party MP and US Senator Marilyn Musgrave have been abducted by aliens.
Over a hundred bystanders at Safeway, where the unfortunate victims were shopping have all now given coherent reports of the abduction police Chief Christopher Opper told BIGfib.>>>

Shock and awe as Bush resigns

In a presidential address the like of which America has never seen George Bush yesterday addressed the nation and asked it for forgiveness and said goodbye.
America stopped at precisely 5pm eastern time yesterday as the now ex president Bush opened his speech with the following, astounding words.
“Fellow Americans.
I have sinned and I have lied. I have forfeited any right to the role of president of the United States. I hereby announce that at the end of the speech I quit. I ask you all to please forgive me.”
By the end of the first sentence, switchboards across the USA were jammed with people phoning friends and family telling them to switch on the TV.
George Bush went on to explain the incredible news.
 “I have always claimed to be a Christian. That was a lie… I have never been a believer in any kind of God. However now, I know. I have been visited this night and I have seen the terrible consequences of my lying and manipulation.
I have cheated my way to power; I have blocked ecological reforms, caused unnecessary wars and hurt the poor by my actions.
I hereby announce myself and those in the Republican Party who have supported me to be sad, mistaken or evil. We are not fit to govern.
I now know for the first time in my life what needs to be done in America, and it is the opposite of everything I have promoted. >>>
RIAA announces lawsuit against inventor of transistor.>>>

Eurofighter planes to be delivered, 15 years late >>>

Microsoft releases "Major" security update >>>

Corsican separatists claim responsibility for bomb attacks >>>

US "intelligence" says Korea "might" have nuclear plant. >>>

New Yorker invites neighbour in for coffee. >>>


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 BUSINESS NEWS  HEADLINE
Monsento to launch GM-ready Humans.
Monsento, the creator of genetically modified canola and wheat has today become the first company ever to patent a human DNA sequence.
The company, which produces the weedkiller Rondup™ has already patented wheat and canola which it has genetically modified to make it resistant to the weedkiller which represents 40% of the company sales. >>>
 Bush/Blair wedding rumour

Following the unexpected resignation speech yesterday by George Bush, (see above) journalists the world over are incredulously searching for the “Real Reason” for the shock resignation.
One possible theory is currently gaining momentum in Canada where journalist Mary Aplesyrup of the Toronto Star has been slowly building an unexpected if ever more convincing case that George Bush in fact intends to marry Tony Blair.
M.Aplesyrup spoke to BIGfib about her lucky strike.
“It was just a stroke of luck, I went into the Toronto Grand to reserve a room and in the reservations book I saw the names “Blair/Bush”.
I asked the guy at reception and he said it was just a telephone reservation for next week, but it started me thinking.” >>>
 HEALTH
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