Armstrong Declares Seventh Tour Win 'Tougher Than Cancer' PARIS – After winning his seventh straight Tour De France, Lance Armstrong declared that this win was "tougher than beating cancer." This is a change from his six previous wins, after which he always announced his mantra that "nothing could compare to the challenge of beating cancer." But apparently this last Tour did. >>> A Bigger Bang - Badly Timed Boston - When the Stones were asked if their new album, titled "A Bigger Bang", wasn't a bit ill-timed in light of the recent rash of bombings in London, a visibly ticked-off Keith Richards, doddering and flicking ash off his cigarette, was overheard mumbling to Mick, "Ow fack, took us a 'ole two years to come up wi' that one, dinnit?... Cough cough..." >>> Great Britain Finally Returns To Sense Of Normalcy, Pretentious Superiority LONDON – Several weeks after suicide bombers created chaos throughout England's streets and subways, the people are finally able to return to a sense of normalcy and pretentious superiority. >>> Suicide Bombing: Sooooo 2004 According to a new article published in Glamour magazine, "suicide bombing is sooooo 2004." The article claims that suicide bombing is simply no longer the chic new-wave terrorism tactic it once was. CNN's pop culture correspondent Toure confirms this. >>> Penis Size Not A Factor In Hummer Purchase ORLANDO – William Sears, a dentist in Orlando, FL, purchased a brand new Hummer 2 Tuesday, and penis size had nothing to do with it. Friends and family verify that Sears bought the Hummer because he owns ten acres of rough, wooded land outside Orlando and wanted the mammoth vehicle in order to drive around on it. This is the first known U.S. purchase of a Hummer that did not have anything to do with the miniature size of the owner's penis. >>> Reporters Cling To Girl In Aruba, Ignore Missing Boy In Sahara ARUBA – Teenager Natalee Holloway went missing in Aruba on May 30 of this year. It's now been two months and reporters continue to cling to follow-up reports on the girl even though no new information on the case has been presented in the past two or three weeks. Jonathon Aires, a 12-year-old from Oregon has been missing in the Sahara desert for three months and only one journalist has reported live from the area. >>>
London - Forensic Bonanza Hoped For London – According to senior sources, Scotland Yard just can't wait for the next series of explosions to occur on London's underground lines and double-decker buses. >>>
By Lolo Laroche Jacques Chirac, the French president yesterday told reporters he is « baffled » that the Olympic committee chose London for the 2012 games over the favourite, Paris. « I think we are talking unfair play, » Chirac told reporters. « Tony Blair was in Singapour for days talking to people, telling them how much the UK government backs the bid, buying people lunch… This sort of behaviour is quite unacceptable. » BIGfib’s Lolo Laroche, asked President Chirac if he regretted not bothering to turn up in Singapore until the day of the vote. « No, If one needs to stoop to Anglo-Saxon techniques of meeting people and smiling and talking to them, I would rather we lost the games. I would not want to win by such tiring methods. » The Danish, Finnish and Norwegians claim they changed their votes in favour of London following President Chirac’s racist remarks about the food in Northern Europe. Lolo Laroche asked him if he regretted the comments. « Not at all, » Chirac told her. « I never regret anything, as Edith Piaf sang, Je ne regrette rien, regrette rien…. » « If the Olympic committee can be swayed by some stupid remarks by an old has-been from choosing the best bid, the wonderful international city of Paris, then they don’t deserve Paris. » « Everyone in Paris knows that their food is better than in the other European capitals," Chirac told BIGfib. "In fact Parisians know that everything in Paris is better than everywhere else, you see, Parisians, like me, know that the rest of Europe is inhabited by untrustworthy, ugly, fat, pale people eating bad food. I have no idea why the world chose not to come to Paris. »
