Crisis At Ridgemont High
By Alan Lord Scarsdale, NY – Education officials at Scarsdale, NY’s Ridgemont High are concerned their students are falling behind other schools nationwide in overall GPA scores (Gun/Pistol Attacks).
“Whereas most high schools across the US have experienced a high rate of Gun/Pistol Attacks throughout the past year, our students at Ridgemont High have underperformed consistently,” pointed out an irate Principal Jack Connors in front of a packed noontime cafeteria, adding, “this is a disgrace. We must find new means of motivating the student body to start whacking each other creatively, including holding teachers hostage."
"If I don’t see more blood n’ guts and a higher GPA standing by the end of the current school year, I will have no choice but to resign from the board.
