Following the unsudden death of pope John Paul II, Catholics the world over can barely breathe with anticipation and talk is of little else but the choice of the future pope.

"Non Catholics don't realise just how important the pope’s role is..." Cardinal Ramsbottom of Liverpool told BIGfib.
"The pope says condoms are out... The trash is going to be filled with condoms. If he declares a particular sexual position preferable well that's the one everyone's gonna be doing. If he says gay if bad, then there's going to be a rush of hairdressers and graphic designers looking for wives...
One really can't underestimate the power this guy has."

BIGfib asked churchgoers leaving Liverpool’s St Anne Catholic church just what they were hoping for from the new pope.

"I think condoms are a big issue..." Mrs Mary Peterson told BIGfib. "I mean my husband and me we've got seventeen children already, we don't want anymore, so I'm hoping that he's going to OK condoms or the pill or some other solution... We need some new thought in this church..."

Her friend Doris Delaney agrees. "Burt and I have nine kids and we definitely need something new..."
"Even if he doesn't say anything about condoms as such, all the wives here are at least hoping for an explicit condemnation of anal sex... Most of us just can't take it up there anymore."