American Military Claims Italian Reporter Failed to Heed Warning Shot To Head IRAQ – Much is being made of the shooting of Italian journalist Giuliana Sgrena, who was held hostage for a month in Iraq and finally released this week. On her journey to the airport to leave Iraq, American soldiers fired on her car, hitting her in the shoulder and killing one of her security guards, Nicola Calipari. >>> Bill Gates Awarded KNBE - King Nerd of the British Empire Empire, for his contribution to rapacious free enterprise, temp employment, e-ducation, unreliable operating systems, constant system updates, unexpected system reboots, and the huge resulting growth of the “Nerd” technology sector in the U.K as people battle to keep their IT infrastructure up and running. >>> Priest Molested By Young Boy BOSTON, MA – On Monday Roman Catholic Priest Paul Cartwright came forward with his claim that he was molested by eight-year-old Timothy Blackwell last summer. Cartwright says the events took place behind the Church on several different occasions after which Blackwell, then seven, told Cartwright that if he went to the authorities God would strike him down. >>> Syria, Al Qaeda, Hamas Fight Over Credit For Car Bomb JERUSALEM – A large car bomb exploded in Jerusalem Thursday in an area of the city that Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was scheduled to visit later that day. The explosion appears to be a failed assassination attempt but still killed five innocent people. Syria, Al Qaeda, and Hamas are all fighting over credit for this latest attack. A spokesman for Al Qaeda said in a taped statement, “That’s totally our work.. >>> Bush Saved By Pea-Sized Brain CRAWFORD, TX – The President was shot eight times in the head with arrows Thursday by disgruntled state employee Robert Benson. Benson somehow snuck past security at 2am at the President’s ranch in Texas. Though eight arrows from Benson’s crossbow punctured the President’s head, it appears he will make a full recovery thanks to his pea-sized brain. >>>
Sources close to the Irish Premier, Bertie Ahern, say that new secret meetings between the IRA and the McCartney sisters have resulted in a new offer which is likely to be welcomed across the political spectrum. Members of the IRA brutally murdered Robert McCartney after a mere pub dispute, and an IRA spokeman caused outrage last week by publicly stating that they knew the identities of those responsible for the killing, identities which they would not reveal to the police. Spokesman for the IRA even offered to kill those responsible to “appease” the sisters, an offer which was rejected by the family of the deceased, who bravely insisted on justice rather than revenge. It is believed that the universal condemnation of the IRA’s violent thuggish tactics have forced them to make this new offer to help the peace process by definitively ridding the province of an illegal, brutal, terrorist organisation. The head of the IRA army council, Martin Mcguiness told BIGfib, “We know exactly who the members of the IRA are and though we can’t reveal the names, if it appeases the sisters, we are prepared to kill every last one of them, wiping out this brutal illegal organization once and for all.” The sisters said they were “considering” the offer, which amounts to collective suicide of the entire Irish Republican Army , but Ian Paisley, the head of the Democratic Unionist Party said he would only be in favour of the IRA killing themselves under certain circumstances: if the killings were verifiably performed and filmed by national TV and if he could participate with his own bare hands.>>>
