Sources close to the Irish Premier, Bertie Ahern, say that new secret meetings between the IRA and the McCartney sisters have resulted in a new offer which is likely to be welcomed across the political spectrum.

Members of the IRA brutally murdered Robert McCartney after a mere pub dispute, and an IRA spokeman caused outrage last week by publicly stating that they knew the identities of those responsible for the killing, identities which they would not reveal to the police. Spokesman for the IRA even offered to kill those responsible to “appease” the sisters, an offer which was rejected by the family of the deceased, who bravely insisted on justice rather than revenge.

It is believed that the universal condemnation of the IRA’s violent thuggish tactics have forced them to make this new offer to help the peace process by definitively ridding the province of an illegal, brutal, terrorist organisation.

The head of the IRA army council, Martin Mcguiness told BIGfib, “We know exactly who the members of the IRA are and though we can’t reveal the names, if it appeases the sisters, we are prepared to kill every last one of them, wiping out this brutal illegal organization once and for all.”

The sisters said they were “considering” the offer, which amounts to collective suicide of the entire Irish Republican Army , but Ian Paisley, the head of the Democratic Unionist Party said he would only be in favour of the IRA killing themselves under certain circumstances: if the killings were verifiably performed and filmed by national TV and if he could participate with his own bare hands.