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 The Church of England to split into two over gay bishop.
The Church of England (C of E) today announced a decision to split in two.
The split, over the issue of the ordination of gay priests and same sex marriages, has forced into the open two counter currents within the organisation who have been doing battle for over thirty years.
Neither organisation will be able to retain the "C of E" logo, so complete new identities have been created BIGfib can reveal today. The future churches will be called the "P of E" (Purge of England) and the "C of He" (Church of Heathens).
BIGfib asked George Carey, who is to head up the "P of E" to explain the schism to BIGfib.
"Basically the Church of England has been heading towards Satanism ever since it allowed the divorce of Henry VIII.
The "Church" has become ever more tolerant and ever less focused on the work of God."
"There's been this namby pamby liberal message going round, especially since the seventies, that all God wants is for everyone to be happy and nice to each other. Words like tolerance, peace and freedom have been banded about."
"People in the old "C of E" may have been feeling happy, running around collecting funds for the starving in Africa, or protesting against war, but the truth is that God, and I'm in a position to tell you without any doubt what The Big Guy thinks about this; God, doesn't give a shit about people starving or killing each other. God doesn't want people being nice to each other, and he hates so called tolerance"
"What God cares about is stopping those abominable homosexuals from shagging together. This is the new issue for the 21st century, and it's not my agenda it's Gods."
"The creation of the Purge of England is a wonderful opportunity for right-minded people everywhere to unite against those who would defecate on the image of God by using orifices in ways other than He intended."
The split, it would seem, is long overdue as proven by the fact that those in the "C of He" are equally relieved.
Gay Canon Jeffrey John who will head up the "Church of Heathen" explained his point of view.
"We're actually pretty happy to get rid of them all actually. They've been the winging minority sulking and wining on and on about a load of crap scraped out of the Old Testament. Most of those in the Church of England really don't give a damn who's shagging who. They have got over the old ideas about this judgmental guy sending thunderbolts down on anyone who wants to have a bit of fun."
"The Church of England was a huge compromise, torn between threatening crushing vengeance on sinners and telling people that God just wants His creations to go out and have a good time.
Now there's been the split I think that everyone's going to be much happier."
Initial opinion polls of the old "C of E" congregation indicate that of the 10% of UK population that considers itself Church of England, 60% intend to join the Purge of England, 30% the Church of Heathens while 10% are still undecided.
It would seem however that the Church of Heathens might come out trumps after all.
A second opinion poll indicates that it will be the "C of He" which enjoys the widest support amongst the population at large with an amazing 80% of those not currently "religious" open to the idea of joining the fun-loving easy-going Church of Heathens, against only 3%, essentially in Anne Widdecombe's constituency of Maidstone, Kent, drawn to the fundamentalist "Purge of England".
See also : Sex Parties "Completely compatible" with Conservative Party philosophy
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