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Cheney's Heart Problems Solved.
By Alan Lord and Lolo Laroche
WASHINGTON, Nov. 15 - Vice President Dick Cheney, who has been plagued by heart problems for over 25 years, underwent tests at a hospital here on Saturday after complaining of shortness of breath. He went home after three hours, with doctors publicly saying only that the problems have been "solved".
"He's fine," said Mary Matalin, an adviser to Mr. Cheney.
He left the hospital shortly before 4:30 p.m. While there, he was subject to a battery of tests to determine if his the problem was heart related.
Privately, under condition of anonymity Dr. Reiner told BIGfib's Lolo Laroche that in fact Mr. Cheney was suffering not from heart problems per-se but from the fact that he actually has no heart.
"Under normal circumstances Cheney's missing heart poses him no problems," Reiner told BIGfib. "Much of the time, in his job, it is a positive advantage - enabling him to share responsibility for missile attacks, or thousands of troop deaths, etc without any of the ill effects that a normal human might suffer."
"However very occasionally, at night, he is visited by the Ghost of Chistmas past... or sometimes, the ghost of Ramadan past showing him what might have been, had he never lived. Then, naturally, he suffers a high level of agitation and distress causing problems with his breathing."
Asked whether this was anything to worry about, Reiner told BIGfib, "No, I really don't think people should worry about Cheney's health. The only real effect that this could have on his health would be sudden death."
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